I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Found your dick twin last night
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
