Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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