I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
