i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
