Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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