Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
