Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
