there's paper in my vomit.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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