Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
