I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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