It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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