My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
