I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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