Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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