Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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