I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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