1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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