I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
