Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
