Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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