When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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