I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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