My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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