Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
