your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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