I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
