Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
