Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
