I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
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