i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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