sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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