A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
