News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
