It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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