Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This can only be settled by a dance off.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
