I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
