proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
