your parents love me but you hate me
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
