You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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