my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
