my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
