if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
