I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
