You just made me feel so damn special
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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