the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
