I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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