apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
