life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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