my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
