you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
