Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
