I cannot find my penis.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So many bounce houses so little time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
