im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
