you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
