i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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