I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
