Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My cat gives me a boner
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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