I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
