Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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