I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
