Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We need to get me chipped asap
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
