Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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