I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
