Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
