Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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