My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Of course I have a pirate flag
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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