I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
