just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
