Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
