Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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