We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
