And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
