so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
