nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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