If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
